Write-ups & true life

YOU THINK YOU CAN GOSSIP

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Gossip apparently, had a gender reassignment surgery and didn’t have the courtesy to inform us officially. Well it was more like a gender transfer as it left the posh nail vanish holder, its pedicure and manicure routines, dumped its hair curlers and have found a new home and friendship with hair clippers, scissors and hair dye in a cluster of the bearded male salon.
Gossip is on transfer, it can no longer be found in the female salons: Error 404 Gossip not found.
In the barber shop any evening after work, they sit to get a trim. This local barber’s shop is a 20 minute home to Bankers, Doctors, Painters, Engineers, Lawyers, Builders among many men of noble profession fortnightly. The walls they say have ears, but if they had mouths? All the regulars of Kunle’s barber shop will be divorced, deceased or both.
On this day, a handsome, tall, dark and charming herculean young bearded man parked his Venza and went in for a hair cut. His biceps were almost ripping out his tight V neck shirt, so tight his shirt, one could make out his nipple and chest hairs. He stood by the door and waited for his friend who drove-in in a BMW. He steps out, looking extra hot and all. He was tall 5’11 maybe, fair complexioned, bearded, broad chested with wide hands – very manly. Simply say: he was sex on legs.
So, Mr Dark Chocolate and Mr Hot Vanilla stroll from the parking area into the barber shop. Mr Dark Chocolate spoke in his rich-as-sin baritone voice, he asked if Kunle was around, he needed a haircut. The barber apprentice offered them a chair and rang Kunle who was there in no time.
They set up.
Kunle casually asked Mr Dark Chocolate if he rode in Mr Hot Vanilla’s car because his car wasn’t in the parking area so he said he came with his new car.
“So na you get that Venza for outside? Una dey enjoy o. Awon ti big boys” Mr Kunle said while shaking back and forth, clipper in hand as he smiled.
There was a chorused laughter.
The door swung open and a young Mr walks in. He greets and finds himself a chair and sits.
“So all na from straffing madam Dee abi?” Kunle said as he paused and cleaned the clipper.
“Ha, guy no be her o. You gaz score points na” Mr Dark Chocolate said
“I no understand score points?”
“Black market na my guy”
“Oh I see. You gaz initiate me in this mehn. I don tire to dey hustle everyday na. Hook your guy up, extra cash never hurt nobody” Kunle said and roared in laughter.
Turning to Mr Hot Vanilla who was chatting on his phone, Kunle said..
“Guy, what is new with you na. You still dey score points for that Idoma woman side?”
“Guy, I been dey straff this new Igbo woman wey be say her husband don die, but she dey giv me wahala aswear”
“Wetin happen na?”
Mr Dark Chocolate answered.
“That woman na monitoring spirit. She no gree allow am use phone sef, she collect im iPhone. The samsung e dey use now na hide he dey hide am…..But money dey sha, e fit manage.”
“Guy, I just wan save enof money wey I go use finish the house wen I dey build my mama for village.”
Mr Hot Vanilla and Mr Dark Chocolate switched seats. Mr Dark Chocolate was checking himself out in the mirror in a narcissistic way as he shakes off tiny hair from his shirt.
“Dude, them Linda say them dey free later o, I tell dem say we go come carry them go outing” Mr Hot Vanilla said to Mr Dark Chocolate.
“No yawa na, hope say they no dey come with that their i too know friend wey too dey ask question”
“No, i tell am say may dem no carry am come.”
The girls never ask more questions than is necessary. The guys told them they were contractors and they believed them without questions. Until the last outing when they decided to convince their bookworm friend to tag along with them.
She went and after seeing how much they had spent on alcohol alone, she demanded to know what sort of contracts they do. She said her father was a contractor too. She was getting on to them and they didn’t like it.
Getting to the hostel she insisted her friends quit seeing those guys, as she suspected they were into illegal dealings but her friends, blinded by the money they got never listened.
******************************
On their next visit two weeks later, they had linked Kunle with a Hausa woman whose husband made tonnes of money but was never home. Kunle was working her real hard to get a better car too.
They sat and started their regular chatter.
Mr Hot Vanilla said “Guy, you hear wetin happen? Madam Cash, the igbo woman wen i dey straff na, na craze woman she be o. So, that day after we leave here na, we go Linda them hostel carry them go outing, we no know say madam Cash been get informants o. For night after we carry them back, she come knock their door and when them open nam, the beating wen them beat those girls eh?”
“Na so she strong reach?” Kunle asked.
“She carry area boys go na. But sha I claim vexation for her and the kind money wey she give me eh.”
“Bahhtt boi!” Kunle said as they shook hands.
Soon enough, some guys walk through the front door just as Mr Hot Vanilla and Mr Dark chocolate walked out. They were dressed in shirts and ties and Jackets. The first guy wore a tweet jacket with patches at the elbows with a more relaxed tieless shirt while the other guy wore a shirt, a loose tie and folded up sleeves.
Soon enough they started to chat. There was something about Kunle that made people comfortable around him and his barber shop a ‘safe haven’.
“Wow, Kunle those guys come here too?” The guy in shirt and a tie asked
“Yes Michael, you know them?”
“Ehen na, they bank at my bank. Dude, just less than two weeks ago, the fair guy deposited 2.4mill in my branch. Like if I tell you the account balance of the dark guy sef you go just faint.”
“Their own better. Me I am looking for a way to make money, I swear I could do anything right now to make money, anything but practicing medicine.” The guy in tweet jacket said.
“You need a love doctor, James.”
“I don’t” James took off his Jacket. “Love is the most overused word in the English language. I have a friend that comes with benefit, Jessica, until she started catching feelings. I got rid of her.”
“Guy, you didn’t tell me you got rid of Jessica, I feel cheated man, I am you best friend and you never told me.” Michael said.
“Jessica is old news and FYI, you are my second best friend after Shola. I am now looking for one of those high and mighty women looking for a sugar boy. No strings attached and I get extra cash as well.”
The guys later agreed to ‘hustle’ an invitation to the governor’s daughter’s wedding coming up the following month. There they were sure to find cougars.
******************************************
At the wedding, Michael the banker and James the doctor walked in a little late. It was the strategy to getting attention from unsuspecting cougars. They dressed to kill and walked with aura that left the high and mighty cougars bitting lips with gazing stares. Needless to say, at the end of the wedding Michael left with the commissioner of finance’s digit and that of the wife of the VC of the state university. James however scored himself a ‘house call’ to the government house, the first lady was worried about her blood pressure rising and wanted him to stop by and check when the governor was away luncheon-ing with the President and Minister of defence next week.
After their rendezvous with their lovers, the men met up weeks later at the barber’s.
“Guy, I have seen the alert o.” James said to Michael
“Let me see, how much?” James showed him the text.
“Guy, you don hammer o. We’ll just pray for reelection for the governor so that you will be retained as the ‘government house gynaecologist’.” Michael said laughing.
“Guy you dey craze o.”
On a somber thought, James wondered if his parents lied to him that education was the bedrock of his future. He had studied hard, became a doctor and was paid peanuts, and now, many months later the government owed them arrears. One night with the first lady of his state and his account was credited with more than he would have made in and year and a half. Either his parents and teachers lied to him or the society now belongs to some elite few, while they that worked white collar jobs for long hours get paid like ants. Whatever it was, he promised himself his account will never hit zero again.
“Dude, I have been thinking really hard about this, I think I will quit my banking job and take this business full time” Michael said.
James said “How did you know what I was thinking?”
Just then, the governor strolls in for a hair cut. If the walls have ears!

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Theresa JosephSalahuddeen Abubakar Recent comment authors
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Salahuddeen Abubakar
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Salahuddeen Abubakar

Nice information

Theresa Joseph
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Theresa Joseph

Ok